Date: Aug 19 -
Facility: 0
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-I work with couples in person, on the phone and on skype. To book a free 40 minute introductory session, please email me at

I will also be offering retreats and courses for couples. If you register for my Lifeletter, you’ll receive information about upcoming events.

My approach to working with couples is based on many years of watching people fall down and fail in the area of intimate relationships. This includes myself, my friends, my teachers, my clients, and my students. I have seen many brave and intelligent people come to a place of deep and profound disappointment, of heartbreak, of shame, of hopelessness, in this arena of human life.

What a place to meet yourself! On the meditation cushion, at the computer, working hard at my job, I can still look somewhat sane and accountable. But with my intimate partner? Not a chance. Everything I am trying to avoid in myself is what I am confronted with here. The relationship I always wanted is not happening—the one I never wanted to be with is the one I am in bed with.

It’s no secret these days that our intimate relationships are breaking down. The signs are everywhere-you don’t have to be a mind reader. What we have to learn here is something so basic, so elementary, that we can’t learn it until we are really ready. Until we are desperate. Until all of our strategies and techniques have failed. Love is not a technique. I used to teach my couples techniques and strategies, many years ago. I noticed that they seemed like a great idea at the time, but in the heat of the moment, such things are forgotten, instantly.

What to do?

The only thing to do is learn how to really show up, just as we are, in this moment-- without excuses, without strategies, without agendas. To become fully conscious of what is going on, in the middle of all this suffering. To get strong enough, curious enough, fed up enough, to do the work of deep transformation and healing.

Regardless of your genetic inheritance, your mission by birth is to love. That’s why your life will present you with the opportunity to open and love while you repeatedly face your parents’ worst qualities, until your heart can stay relaxed, open as the sky is wide. (David Deida)

This work has to be grounded in what I call our genuine presence, our unconditioned being, the space of awareness that allows everything to be as it is. Then we can be fully present, then we can start to open to the intelligence of the heart. Without this grounding in our true nature, it’s very difficult to open up. Our conditioned personality just wants to defend itself.

So this is ultimately a kind of warrior training—a training in being a warrior of the heart. Someone who knows that when the dust clears, when everything falls apart, love is what matters. Not my job, not my possessions, or my status or my knowledge, but how much love I am able to give and receive. When people are dying, this becomes very clear to them. Let’s not wait until then. Let’s awaken the intelligence of the heart right now, and find out how to move through all this baggage we are still carrying, from generations of our ancestors who did not know how to love either.

We really don’t have to walk around with all this pain, these slivers of sorrow and rage that get lodged deep in the heart. We can unburden ourselves, and look at our lover, our partner with the eyes of love, innocence and passion. Let’s lay down the blame, the regret and the judgment, and bring our relationships right into this living moment.

Whatever your inheritance of personal need, you can commit to doing your best to open, permitting love’s force to freely move your life. (David Deida)

We can wake up right now and learn to embrace this deeply flawed human being who is our partner, and this deeply flawed human being who is ourself. You don’t need to be special to open to love. I have seen perfectly ordinary people sitting in my office, looking at each other with so much love the whole room gets bright.

When we love, when we learn to give and receive kindness, respect and caring, our whole human life starts to flow like a river. We don’t have to hold on to things anymore, we don’t have to prove ourselves, or be right, or punish our partners anymore. We feel love as something vast, not just something that lives inside us. We start to realize that love is what everything is made of.

And this is worth going through some difficult places, some intense thoughts, and some turbulent feelings, to know.

Every human being with whom we seek relatedness is a koan, that is to say, an impossibility. There is no formula for getting along with a human being. No technique will achieve relatedness. I am impossible to get along with; so is each one of you; all our friends are impossible; the members of our families are impossible.  How then shall we get along with them? … If you are seeking a real encounter, then you must confront the koan represented by the other person. The koan is an invitation to enter into reality.

Bernard Philips, East/West Psychology

I have not found anyone like you, who offers such practical wisdom, and deep spiritual guidance.
Barbara Dalton, Vancouver BC

Shayla brings warmth, openness and compassion to any relationship, and excels at creating a space in which solutions arise in their own time and way. I am grateful for our relationship. Jeff Munn, Washington DC

You’ve been fabulous for us. Cordell Fulton, Nelson BC

He had such a wonderful session with you. You bring out the beauty in him, but you seem to do that to everyone.We love you Shayla and are so grateful to have you in our lives. Julia Gilmor, Nelson BC

The thing we love about working with Shayla as a coach is that every time we are with her, she is completely present.  There is no pre-determined agenda.  She creates an open sacred space, that allows for our deepest feelings to come through.  She then spontaneously responds to whatever is happening with wisdom and compassion.  She works from a higher/deeper place, that calls to our higher/deeper self as well.  We feel truly heard and respected.  We are blessed to work with Shayla and deeply appreciate the gift of her wisdom and experience.  Shayla is a treasured gift in our community.  Amy & Marcus Garvey, Nelson BC

For more information on my training and approach to relationship, see the ‘Coaching’ section on my website.

Click here for more information about Coaching & MentoringClick here for more information about For Couples: Awakening the Intelligence of the Heart