‘And the day came when
the risk to remain in the bud
became more painful
than the risk it took to blossom.’
Anais Nin
Barefoot Coaching is offered for:
- Personal evolution and transformation
- Relationships
- Communication
- Non-dual spirituality
- Writing and Creative Expression
I can work with you one on one, with a buddy, or in a small group. I work with people all over the world by phone and email, and also in person.
Relationship Coaching
“The thing we love about working with Shayla as a coach is that every time we are with her, she is completely present. There is no pre-determined agenda. She creates an open sacred space, that allows for our deepest feelings to come through. She then spontaneously responds to whatever is happening with wisdom and compassion. She works from a higher/deeper place, that calls to our higher/deeper self as well. We feel truly heard and respected. We are blessed to work with Shayla and deeply appreciate the gift of her wisdom and experience. Shayla is a treasured gift in our community.”
- Amy and Marcus Garvey, Nelson, Feb. 08
The work I do with couples focuses on what I call “the evolutionary adventure” of learning how to participate fully in an intimate relationship. In this kind of work, I draw on 20 years of experience in the field of communication coaching, and the intensive training and study I have done with Paul Lowe, Osho, Adya Shanti, and Peter Fenner. I have also learned a great deal from Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, and John Welwood, some of the world’s most famous relationship coaches.
Of course, the most profound and challenging source of my learning comes from my own experience in the field of intimacy. I am very grateful for both the failed and successful relationships that have brought me to this place. It has truly been my own experience that the sphere of intimate relationship is where our spiritual rubber hits the road.
Skillful means:
There are many technologies and transformative processes available to each couple who engages in this coaching relationship. The foundation we build on is what I call ‘deep learning’ or second order learning. The traditional approach to learning, (first order learning) simply gives you new information. Deep learning helps you to access the core of your being, and engage in some fundamental inquiries, practices and contemplations. This process cultivates a fluid and flexible awareness that looks at and inquires into:
- who you are and the nature of your identity
- how you observe
- how you listen
- what you really want
- what the nature of love is
- how you relate to your emotions
- what the most important thing is for you-what matters most
- the nature of your core beliefs
Deep learning works with your own immediate experience, moment to moment, as it arises in the body. This kind of learning allows you to take full responsibility for your own experience. It connects you with the heart-wisdom that already lives inside you, and allows you to trust the nature of that intelligence more and more.
You discover how to remain true to yourself, without any sense of abandoning who you really are; and at the same time, how to love and respect your partner. You learn how to work with the two aspects of love- the conditioned and unconditioned. You find out how to move beyond the conditioned needs for security, approval and control, into the flow of your unconditioned being.
Relationship and the 3 stages of our Evolution
A Brief Sketch
I have developed this understanding from working with the teachings of David Deida, Daniel Stacy Barron, John Welwood, Jake Eagle, Robert Bly, and all the people in my life-partners, friends, children, clients and students. My deepest gratitude goes out to all of them.
Stage 1: Co-dependence
In the first stage of our growth, we have not yet fully individuated. We are not standing in a place where we fully value ourselves and our own uniqueness. Our sense of our own worth and value is derived from what we do and accomplish, and from the way other people value and relate to us.
The traditional word for this stage is “co-dependent.” Most relationships of this sort begin with a honeymoon or falling-in-love stage, which is basically a form of infatuation, a trance state. In this trance I imagine you to be all that I want you to be for me. On a deeper level, which is usually unconscious, I imagine that you are the one who will finally meet all the needs that were not met in my childhood. I look to you as the source of my fulfillment and satisfaction. I am still operating out of a “strategic self,” a self that is motivated by what it hopes it can get.
In our post modern world, where we have been cut off from our primary sources of nourishment-our tribe, our elders, our relationship with nature and with great spirit- most of us are functioning in a co-dependent way in our primary relationships. This becomes clear when we look at the fact that our divorce rate is now over 50%, and of the couples that do stay together, more than 60% of them stay together because of money or children.
The truth is, I simply cannot get what I want and need from another person. I must find a way to give these fundamental things to myself- to love myself, to value myself without conditions. When this understanding really comes alive in me, I move to the second stage.
Stage Two: Independence
In this stage, I am focused on nourishing and maintaining my sense of independence. Kahil Gibran in ‘The Prophet’ has a beautiful image of this kind of relationship. He compares the lovers to two strong trees, who grow side by side. These trees give each other shade, they blow in the same wind, their roots drink from the same earth. But they do not grow so close that they lean against each other.
In this kind of relationship, I begin to learn the difference between empowering and supporting my partner, instead of rescuing and enabling him or her. I know how to take responsibility for the experience I am having in each moment, without blaming it on my partner- making them responsible for whatever is happening to me. I know how to reach out and ask for help, without demanding or coercing. I understand that it is ultimately up to me to love, nurture and evolve myself.
There are a lot of people in our world right now who are engaged in this kind of relationship. Many of them are women, who are moving into a powerful sense of themselves in relation to vocation and career. This is a crucial and necessary stage to reach in our evolution, but it is quite limited in terms of the deeper and wider nature of love. When I allow myself to experience the limitations of my independence, I move into the third phase.
Stage 3: Interdependence
In this stage, I move beyond the polarities of dependence and independence. I begin to experience myself as separate and not separate from you, both at the same time. I realize that I cannot say, as I did when I was co-dependent, that I need to receive love from you. And I cannot say, as I did when I was independent, that I do not need to receive love from you.
In this last phase, the truth is that I need love with you. I understand that when I am fully and freely myself, my presence allows you to expand and evolve, and your presence does the same for me. I experience love as something I am, rather than something I do. When I live and relate from this core place of love, I experience love as an overflowing, an abundance, something that is never exhausted. And I have made a fundamental choice to align myself with this love. Therefore I know, even when I am triggered by circumstances and interactions, that I can choose to love in the most painful, bewildering and challenging moments of my life. I don’t need to feel good, to be happy or strong, to make the choice to love. But this fundamental choice only becomes obvious to me in this third stage of my evolution.
Introduction to the Living and Learning Coaching
I’m a coach who engages you, my client, in a process of deep learning, where all of you gets involved-body, mind, emotions and spirit. I have had over 20 years of experience in supporting your ‘evolutionary impulse’ the natural movement in you toward wholeness, freedom and integrity. I’m interested in helping people evolve, heal and awaken in new and surprising ways right now.
This process carries us beyond problem solving, to a place where we can all participate fully in life, and in creating a future that allows us to take care of each other and our planet.
The power of willingness
It’s amazing how much power there is in just being willing. One of the first questions to ask yourself as you prepare for this coaching journey is “Am I willing to transform?” This is a very important question. You don’t have to know how to transform. There is nothing you need to figure out. All you need is the willingness. One of my clients put it this way:
the no came
when i believed
i’m to blame
for my pain
and the angels said,“we are, we are,
willing to love”
and the yes
isn’t to happiness
or to bliss
but the power to
hold out my hand
to my wholeness
i am, i am,
willing to love…
Mutuality
From our very first session we meet as equals. I sometimes call this way of being together ‘mutuality.’ It means that I am not standing above you, as some expert who knows more than you. I am also growing, evolving and facing my own challenges. I do not look at you and see someone separate from me who needs my help. When I look at you I see your true nature- whole, complete and free. I know, deep in my heart, that each being on earth has the resources they need in order to meet whatever life brings them.
Your Identity System
I’m also aware of what obstructs this experience of your true self. This is your ‘identity system’-all the thoughts, fixations, and beliefs that confine you to a limited, narrow identity and way of being.
It is this unexamined identity system that interferes with the wholeness of your natural state, and your ability to function freely and effectively. As we work together, you will learn how to slow down, relax, and take a good look at what is really going on inside you. This is the first thing I offer you as your coach: a wide open space in which you can observe, inquire, and express yourself fully. This way of being together is full of curiosity, discovery and acceptance. In the freedom of this place without judgment, you’ll discover how you have been constructing your own experience, through the thoughts and beliefs of your identity system
Here is a brief outline of the different aspects of our work together. We may engage in all of them, or just a few, whenever they feel appropriate.
The Aspects of our Work Together
Communication
There is great magic and transformative power in learning how to communicate fully and freely. Authentic expression clears the mind and heart, releases hidden patterns of blame and judgment, and reveals profound wisdom and insight. Most of us withhold our free expression. We are afraid of being judged, blamed, or misunderstood. Sometimes we feel things inside us, but do not know how to express them.
A great deal of our suffering comes from incomplete communication. As I ask you questions and you respond, your authentic voice begins to emerge. You discover what it is you really want, and what has been holding you back. As patterns of withholding are released, new energy awakens and flows through you. And you are able to bring many unresolved issues in your life to completion.
You also discover that while it seems as if your language describes your world, your language actually creates your world. It’s quite a radical shift to consider that your language is what brings your world into being. Moving from a language based on judgments, fixations, and blame opens the heart and awakens a profound ability to accept life as it is and yourself as you are.
“Amazing transformations are happening, working with you. I feel very connected to spirit.”
Val, Nelson, BC
Awareness and Acceptance
Cultivating an open, non-judging, present-centered awareness is at the core of Barefoot Coaching. The more you have access to this kind of awareness, the more you can release your identity system and rest in your true self. You begin to see that what creates suffering and stress is not your experience, but your thoughts and beliefs about your experience. Instead of letting thoughts and beliefs flow through you, your identity system attaches to them, and they are replicated in the body. For every thought that we fixate on, there is an immediate feeling response in the body. And that feeling reinforces each thought, giving it more energy and power. No wonder our thoughts and beliefs seem so real!
As you learn to rest in the natural openness of your awareness, this closed loop of suffering starts to dissolve. The ground of all transformation is the willingness to accept yourself and your experience exactly as it is. Our resistance to ourselves and to life is what holds our conflicts and struggles in place. As you open to and accept each moment as it is, you have tremendous space and clarity in which to question what your mind is telling you.
Clearing the Field of Your Intention
Opening up your awareness, and expressing yourself fully allow you to move into the next stage-clearing the field of your intention. This part of the process helps you embrace all the polarities and ‘competing commitments’ in your mind. It allows you to look at your intention in a much deeper way, and come to terms with the polarized energies that often operate below the level of your conscious awareness.
Much of the time, our conditioned mind has its own agenda. It is looking for approval, security, safety and control. The process of inquiry allows you to investigate the nature of these conditioned needs, and realize that they are based on illusions and beliefs that come from your childhood. Releasing these needs allows you to align with intentions, and a living vision that come from your deepest self.
“Shayla has been my personal coach for nearly six months now. In that time, she has skillfully assisted me in drawing out the truth that is in me, and what it is that I truly want. So much so, that as the sessions went by, I began to take major steps in my life that are now leading me down a whole new path that I know is true to my soul.”
Trevor Thibodeau, Castlegar, BC
Inquiry
Learning how to truly inquire into your thoughts, beliefs and fixations will liberate you, bit by bit, from the grip of your identity system. You’ll begin to awaken from the trance of your mind into the beauty and power of who you really are- your unconditioned awareness.
Inquiry reveals your evolutionary impulse, that aspect of your being that longs to grow, learn, expand and evolve. The whole universe is evolving, and you are not separate from that evolutionary force. Inquiry lets you discover the questions that are part of your particular journey. You learn to ask these questions from the heart, and live with them as your life reveals the answers.
Asking and Receiving
Once we realize that our little me is not in control of the universe, we are much more adept at asking for help. Learning to ask in a genuine way for help is a huge part of our unfolding. As we learn to ask, from our hearts, without demanding or insisting, we also learn how to receive. Then we begin to touch an experience of unconditional gratitude, a whole new way of relating to life itself. We realize how friendly the universe really is, and that our allies are everywhere.
Body and Energy
All of the work we do together is grounded in the immediate experience of your body and energy. In deep learning, we learn with much more than the intellect- our whole being participates. On one level, this experience is all about coming home to the simplicity and peace of life lived in the body and heart, instead of in the conditioned mind.
Learning to breathe, feel, and awaken the free flow of your life force is an essential part of this process. The skillful means we use include the emotional freedom technique, the Bach flowers, amino acids and supplements, yoga, chi-gung and the full body breath.
“Thank you for today’s session. What you told me today was very powerful, I feel blessed.”
Curtis Lamay, Vancouver, BC
Inner Choice
One way of understanding our evolution is that we are simply learning to grow up, to discover what it means to be fully human. And an integral part of this learning is about taking responsibility. In order to live a dynamic, creative life, we must reach the point where we realize that no circumstance or situation is more powerful than we are. We are not victims, because we always have the power of our inner choice. Becoming aware of our choice points can radically alter our whole experience of life.
Fundamental Choice
This whole process brings you to the point where you realize that you can make a fundamental choice about how you want to live, and who you want to be. Most of the time, when you are struggling with issues of willpower, it’s because you have not yet made a fundamental choice. This choice happens as you discover for yourself what really matters to you- what the most important thing is in your life.
Living in the Heart
Finding out what really matters to you reveals a profound caring and connection with your fellow human beings. It moves you from the isolation and separation of the conditioned mind into a life of courage, compassion and creativity, lived in the heart, the essence of who you are. I call this the experience of your basic sanity, or basic goodness. This is who you are when you are not trying to be anything, just resting in your natural state.
The heart is not what we think it is. It is actually a centre of profound intelligence and power. Learning to trust and follow our heart wisdom opens us to a flow of discriminating wisdom that sustains, nourishes and guides us.
Taking Action
Most of us wait until we feel ready before we take action, before we respond to what is really calling us. Barefoot Coaching helps you recognize that the time for waiting is over. You don’t have to wait until you are perfect. Your gifts and abilities are enough; who you are is enough.
We are often called on to do that which we do not know how to do. This is a natural part of our evolution. You don’t have to wait until you know how to take the next step. You just have to be willing to take it. Your true nature is deeply, inherently, creative. You do not have to wait any longer to participate fully in life.
“I have recently been engaged in the complex task of restructuring both my personal and my business life to accommodate blindness. This is obviously a challenging transition, and the clarity, pragmatism and compassion I have received from Shayla Wright have been a very important part of why it’s been a success.
Shayla has a multi-level gift. She brings clarity, spiritual understanding, and with these an absolute ability to work in a grounded way with measurable and intelligent outcomes.”
Bill Moore, Nelson, BC Canada
