Community & Collaboration

Dialogue with a friend and colleague on Facebook: Thanks for your questions re 'what is our collective destiny' anyway? And also the article by Derick Jensen...I have followed his career and his writing for many years...and he is kind of an example of what I am talking about...when he actually found out what was happening to our eco-system on earth, he became extremely angry about it..advocating the kind of violent solutions you would resort to if someone was 'raping your mother.'

After a while, he changed his approach to something quite a bit more evolved, in which he began exploring the possiiblity of moving from a different place, without being dominated by either hope or fear. I respect his passion and intelligence a lot, and I am very interested in his evolution…

He has actually transformed the whole level of his consciousness, which is where I tend to be focused. My understanding right now is that without profound evolution and transformation of consciousness, we will never be able to collaborate successfully. We will either regress to some kind of patriarchal/dominator structure, or we will get stuck in a model based on consensus and equality, that makes it very difficult to take collective action. Without attaining a certain level of development on the level of consciousness, it seems to me that we will continue to fall into these extreme positions.

Working together, from a place of mutuality, transparency and equality---you don’t get there just be deciding to do it..Otherwise we would have done it by now. If I still need to look good, if I am afraid to admit my own mistakes and take responsibility for the consequences, if I cling to me own points of view, if I feel the need to defend myself in the face of attack, if I am unable to celebrate differences---I cannot really participate in the next stages of our evolution..Because that will require a kind of awareness and a capacity for collaboration that is totally new. It feels to me a lot like really growing up. No more temper tantrums, no more entitlement, no more inability to listen to other points of view. Emerging from our chronic position of self-preoccupation into another world--where we can take care of our own needs in a way that allows us to be present to the needs of something much much larger.

love

Often we feel frustrated, angry, and bewildered when the person we want to connect with does not respond. They seem to be hiding behind some kind of facade or mask, which can seem difficult to penetrate.  Or perhaps they seem to be avoiding our company. Our longing can propell us into a way of engaging with people that creates a kind of pressure on them—we want to break through their pretensions and get to something real and authentic. The challenge, whenever we find ourselves in this kind of situation, is to learn how to honour ourselves and the other person at exactly the same time.

I honour and respect myself by allowing myself to feel the frustration, and also the longing for connection. Feeling the longing lets my heart soften—it reminds me that there is love at the bottom of all this, a deep and simple caring for the other person and our relationship.

I can honour the other person by realizing that they have a perfect right to be exactly the way they are. If they are not being real with me, if I cannot find their authentic self, it is often because they themselves do not know where or what that is. Or because they feel threatened by me in some way.
If I have an agenda, any kind of agenda with this person, I am imposing something on the openness and freedom of their being, and they will feel it, even if I don’t speak it out loud. These are the silent conversations that go on all the time, especially in families and intimate relationships. I can be having a verbal exchange with someone, and on another level, there is a silent conversation going on that is very different than the verbal one.

So if I am thinking, “I want you to be more authentic, or more open with me, “ I am not accepting you the way you are, and you will feel this, in your body, or in your mind and heart.

There is this possibility of working with the longing for authenticity and deep connection, in such a way that we are not putting that kind of pressure or demand on the other person.

How do I create an environment that nourishes and supports a genuine connection with this person I care about? First of all, I have to be willing to listen to them without any judgment or defensiveness.  If this person says to me, “I feel small and clumsy around you, “ we can really receive that, instead of saying, “No, that’s not how I relate to you.”

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Speaking from our heart does not always need to be serious and profound. The heart can be gay, spontaneous and full of humour and creativity. Where does it all come from?

Resting at Point Zero
The source of this creativity is the creative emptiness or silence (point zero) out of which your words come. “Your willingness to meet this nothingness without panic is your greatest ally.” (Michelle Cassou-Reclaiming the Magic of Spontaneous Expression) Each time we speak, we can rest in this emptiness, and wait without demand or expectation, for what wants to arise.

This is one of the core aspects of my work, helping people open to the silence and space within them, and recognize that they do not need to be afraid of it. It’s the creative source of our being, our greatest resource. But we have to learn to respect it, acknowledge it, and listen to it. The more we practice this, the more we can let go into trusting this place in us-this silence that reveals itself to us in so many beautiful and surprising ways.

I am posting an email written straight from the heart by a dear friend of mine and a great poet,
about life in a brand new city-an adventure that requires great faith and courage.

Dear Shayla,
Thank you so much for having me on your e mail list. I really enjoy
the newsletter, and of course it comes at the time when my heart is
aching for connection, and I am trundling blindly into that vast, deep
sea of nothing.

This is where I have found myself, have no knowledge of my destiny,
trusting, albeit, sometimes from a place of deep fear or grief, yet
still, trusting that I am cradled and this fall, this dive into
darkness is my sweetest journey yet.

I cry a lot, grieve many things, perhaps cry the collective grief
that penetrates me from this strange world that has no rhythm but her
own, a wild horse, that we all think we can ride, but no, she froths
and bucks us off..and then laughs as we attempt to brush off the dust
and set our selves straight.

What i understand is that there is no straight line to
follow...it is an undulating river...i can soften, surrender and allow
myself to be drawn to the sea.

That is all I can do in this moment. Let life have her way with me,
and just try to breathe

love Lana

I spoke to my ‘Heart of Communication’ class last night about what an enormous thing it is to learn how to communicate authentically and skillfully. There is so much to learn, and so many different aspects and dimensions of our experience to be aware of, that it can be a truly daunting process. The only way to approach it is with immense compassion and patience. As human beings, we haven’t really learned to communicate very well.  Look at the news. Look at the divorce rate. Look at what happens at family gatherings, in the work place, on vacations. There is a Zen saying that has really helped me over the years. It describes this life on earth as ‘one continuous mistake.’

Maybe a lot of us don’t want to experience life that way. We’re hoping to get wiser as we go. If we’re open and flexible and truly willing to learn and let go, that will happen. But in the field of communication, the learning never stops, because the challenges are so great. So if I stop and remember ‘one continuous mistake,’ I can forgive myself right away for my lack of skill. I can fall down and get right back up, over and over again, with great respect and kindness for my own efforts and intentions. And for those of everyone around me!

One of the constant challenges, which we were discussing last night, is the union of truth and kindness. To communicate in a good way, I need to be honest, totally willing to remain loyal to the living truth of my own experience. If I am in a situation, and my body says, “No,” I hear and respect that No, even though my conditioning is telling me to say Yes.

And then I have to learn how to be kind, even though the truth is tough sometimes- tough to speak and tough to hear. One of the women in our session asked last night, “How can you be kind, when you need to speak the truth? Does that mean dressing it up a little, making it more palatable? I don’t want to do that.” What a great question.

I told her that kindness lives in the power of our intention. Even when I have to say a difficult thing, if I begin by acknowledging in my heart that you and I are the same being at the core, I will be speaking from a very different place than when I see you as totally separate. I can see you as completely worthy of my love and respect, even when I am angry with you. And if I feel that deep, unconditional respect for you, you will feel it, even if I don’t spell it out. Although sometimes it really helps to express our love and respect in words.

That happened to me a few years ago, with my daughter. We were in a café, having lunch, and she told me that she thought if would be fun to hitchhike through the Middle East. As a mother, I was pretty triggered by that idea! I got quite angry with her, and my voice rose several decibels. After I finished speaking, she said, “Hey Mum, I could feel your love, right at the same time as I felt your anger.”

That was a turning point for me. It helped me understand that there is nothing wrong with anger, just with the ways that we express it. A huge number of our human problems arise from the way we react to anger, both in ourselves and other people.

More about this in the next blog.

For the past twenty years I’ve been teaching and coaching people in ‘speaking from the heart’; intimacy, connection, and public speaking-all levels of communication.
Something that continues to amaze me is the power of the word. We live in a sea of language- spoken and written words, all day long; but we don’t always realize their power to affect us. The truth is, words have far more power to hurt us than sticks and stones do, and far more power to lift us up as well.

Take some time in the next few days and just check it out. Notice the words that people use, and how they affect you. Notice that others are not affected by the same words in the same way. Which words can you think of that empower you, free you, inspire you, tickle you? Which words seem dead, dull, meaningless. Which words shut you down?

Try speaking in your next few conversations with more awareness. Be clear about your intention, and chose the words that you use to line up with your intention.

What if you knew that your words had the power to impact the mind of each being you meet, for better or for worse? How would you speak then?

Can you remember a conversation you had with someone that really helped or encouraged you? How did that happen?