Written in 2006.

A letter to a student on a different kind of spiritual practice—giving up our ideals and loving ourselves now-- before we improve

I wanted to share something with you about self-acceptance, and how much I have learned about this from Radiant Mind and Peter Fenner. Someone was speaking to him recently about how when they sit in meditation, they access an open, unconditioned place. But when they come back to ordinary life, they lose it. And feel bad, unworthy, frustrated, disappointed-pick the word that is appropriate for you.

Peter said, “Of course that happens. It happens to all of us. No matter how skillful we become at accessing this space of unconditioned awareness, we can lose it in a second. It’s nothing to feel bad about. It’s just the way things are, until you evolve to a whole different level of consciousness.” I realized in that moment that I had been feeling bad about that one thing for 30 years! That I had actually used my spiritual practice to torture myself about the fact that I couldn’t stay in the state I wanted to be in. Isn’t that amazing? And somewhat ridiculous?

My feeling is that self-acceptance and self-love are usually the focus of psychological work, and that this aspect of our ‘no-practice practice’ is often left out of spiritual work. We might talk about self-acceptance, but there is often a feeling of “Let’s get on with what really matters-realizing that I don’t exist, that I’m not separate. Why should I waste time on self-acceptance? This self is the one that has brought me all this suffering. I want to get beyond it.”

Now I’m understanding something profoundly simple: one of the foundations for this work, or any spiritual practice, is to build a field of complete tolerance and acceptance for the way we are in each moment. No matter what. Because we can’t change the way we are by fighting against it. This moment cannot be any different than the way it is. I cannot be different in this moment than the way I am; otherwise I would be.

How do we build this field of complete tolerance and acceptance? Simply by resting in presence or awareness. The field is already here—not as something we can locate or pinpoint, but as something we can let go into, again and again. There’s nothing to build after all—only something to recognize—the nature of awareness right in this moment.

I cannot believe how much I have resisted opening to this whole way of being, and how radically simple it is. I think sometimes that the most profound and life-changing insights are the most obvious. My daughter Coco keeps saying that these days:” All of these things were staring me in the face all along, but I wasn’t ready to see them.” I think that’s true for so many of us.  I know that it’s been staring me in the face for 30 years that I can’t hold on to my so- called “higher” or “more expanded” states. But I didn’t want to face it, because I wanted what I wanted.

So the minute I try to live this moment according to any ideal, I create the same struggle in myself, the same gap.  Over and over, until I finally get to the point where I’m willing to be with myself as I am.

Please write a few paragraphs about your own experience of the ‘self-improvement wars.’
What kind of price have you paid for engaging in this war? Please take a few minutes to rest in the openness of your own being, simply relaxing into awareness, before you begin writing. If you write from this place of presence, you will not be judging or struggling—simply expressing how this has been for you.

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