About how you’re not following your dharma, your dharma is following you.
( or why your damn dharma won’t leave you alone)
I’m looking back now at what’s happened in my life over the last six months.
On one level I feel like I went to sleep and then woke up in a new world. Things in this new world seem to be operating in miraculous ways, on a daily basis. It’s not that I didn’t know about all this before, but it felt like there was a glass wall, separating me from stepping into and embracing this other universe. Now I’ve stepped through, and I’m really not quite sure how it happened. I could shrug my shoulders and say it’s all part of the great mystery. But I don’t really want to do that. I’d like to understand a bit more of what happened as I worked with you, so that I can pass some of this on to my friends, students and clients. That’s one reason I’m writing all this down-I’m tracking back, following the thread that joins the moments that seemed to really make the difference.
The first moment I remember was quite early on in our coaching relationship. You asked me about writing a newsletter, and I told you I didn’t have time for that kind of regular, committed writing. You said, “There’s no such thing as not having time for something. We find the time for what we really want to do, every single day of our lives.”
I don’t think I’ll ever forget that moment. It’s not that what you said was new to me. I’ve said it many times to my students and clients. But in that moment, your statement was an arrow that hit its mark, dead center. I felt it going in, deeper and deeper. It was literally a physical feeling of being pierced by the truth of it. And I had no resistance. I felt the presence of all my habitual excuses and evasions about writing, and I saw what they had cost me. And I let them go. Something in me was ready. That’s a very interesting thing to me. It reminds me of Hamlet: “Ripeness is all.” In that moment, I was ripe. The apple was ready to fall, and it did.
When I look back now, I realize that all my life I have not only wanted to write, but I’ve known that it was my ‘dharma,’ something I should be doing. That’s how I understand dharma right now-it’s the union of passion and necessity. And there has never been a time in my life when some teacher, friend or colleague was not urging me to write. What held me back for so long? What holds us all back from doing the things we long to do, need to do, are born to do? I think it’s because we have not been able to clear the field of our intention. We are blocked, covered by our desires and aversions. The very thing we most want is the thing we are afraid of. So that attraction/aversion process you took me through at the beginning, which is so much a part of the Radiant Mind Course and my own work, cleared the field for me. That was the hardest part of our work together. I couldn’t believe how much resistance I had to really engaging in those exercises. It was like looking deep into my subconscious mind, shining the light of my awareness down into these subterranean regions of my own being. As I was doing them, I didn’t realize how much was being clarified, freed up and released. That only revealed itself later on.
The second thing I remember was working on my ‘wow’ goal- what I really want with my whole being. I had a lot of resistance to that too. My conditioning in relation to money was so strong, that I didn’t even really know what you were talking about. I had such a strong belief- fixation- that if I do what I really love, the money will not follow! Or it will only follow in a trickle. That had always been my experience, so that was my belief. I hadn’t yet seen for myself how my belief was creating my experience. I even felt grateful for the fact that I’ve managed to ‘squeak by’ my whole life, doing the things I love. I thought asking for anything more was greedy, demanding, presumptuous.
At around that time you told me about that Gallup poll. That was another defining moment for me-when you explained how the poll interviewed thousands of successful people, not just successful in terms of money, but people who were joyful and fulfilled in their lives. These people were asked about what changed for them when things really started working for them. What was it that really made the difference? When they analyzed all of the results, they came up with one common theme in all these different lives. When each one of them stopped doing what they didn’t like, and spent as much time as possible doing what they loved, their lives transformed in a major way. I remember that moment too. And again, it was nothing new. I’d heard that before, I’d told people that for years. And here I was, living a life that was not in alignment with that at all. So when I heard about that poll, it was not like the piercing I experienced before. It was like a quiet recognition: Oh this must really be true. I was only hoping it was true. I wanted it to be true, but at the same time, I was doubting it. It’s not just some New Age idea. It actually works.
So I really started working with that. I looked at every single thing I did all day long, and just observed my feeling about it, my response to each moment. I was shocked to see how much time I was spending doing things I really didn’t like. A lot of that was time on my computer. I kept working with this inquiry, and I asked my daughter for help. She came to see me one afternoon. She was in a state that I love-kind of on fire with what she knew to be true. She spoke very strongly to me about why my life wasn’t working.
“What are you doing?” she asked me. “Why do you spend so much time struggling with things you don’t understand on your computer, trying to learn about marketing, working on your mailing list?” You’re no good at these things. Hire someone to do them for you. And don’t tell me that you can’t afford it. You can’t afford not to. You know what you’re good at, what you love to do. It’s no secret. You love inquiry, writing, speaking, meditating, connecting with people. These are the things you’ve always loved, and always been good at. What are you waiting for? The more time you spend doing those things, the more aliveness, fulfillment and abundance is going to flow into your life.”
“My God, “ I said to her. “Now you tell me. You sound just like my coach. I could have asked you about this earlier, and saved myself a lot of money!” But here again, I was ready. I heard what she said, not just with my ears. It was hard not to hear it. It was loud and clear, like one of those gongs whose sound reverberates in the silence for a long time afterwards.
I continued watching everything I did, all day long, After a very short time, I was able to sort out a lot of my computer problems, with the help of my partner. I realized that there were still things I had to do every day that I didn’t usually enjoy, but they were necessary tasks. I chose to start enjoying them. It seemed like such an easy thing, once I reached that point; once I no longer had to spend hours and hours doing things I have no native talent for at all. My whole relationship with my computer started to change, once I was really using it to do what I love. My relationship with my website designer transformed as well. He became one of the brightest spots in my life. I realized he had been telling me to write as well, from the very beginning of our relationship. Isn’t this amazing? Life is not trying to keep these things a secret! The signs are everywhere.
One day, at around this time, I was downtown doing errands. I spoke to a few people who were struggling, doing jobs that meant little or nothing to them. It suddenly hit me with full force that we are really supposed to be doing what we love. It felt like the last bit of doubt dropped away, and that understanding came fully into my body, into my cells. It was alive and visceral. And it was no longer about me. It was a universal thing; and I wanted to spread it around, let everyone know about it. Flash it on the satellite, put it on the evening news. It was a feeling of great joy and deep relief.
I got in my car, and as I was driving home, I heard myself talking to the universe. “I need a sign,” I said, “I need to know that this is universal, that I can trust in it, just like I trust in inquiry and speaking, sitting and writing. I know how those things work because I’ve seen the results, over and over again. I want to trust in this in the same way.” I was surprised. I don’t usually ask for signs. It feels to me like a flaky kind of behavior. But there it was. I was asking for a sign.
I drove round the corner to my street, and there, right in front of me, was the biggest triple rainbow I have ever seen. I couldn’t believe it. I stopped the car and got out to look at it, along with all the other drivers on the street. It was such an amazing rainbow that it caused a traffic jam downtown, and inspired a front page article in the paper. (that’s the kind of town Nelson is-rainbows make the front page)
End of part one. To be continued.
