In the last few years, I have been exploring the relationship between awakening to the nature of awareness, or presence, and the natural embodiment of this in my human life.
The more fully and clearly I realize that I am not a separate solid self, the more my whole life realigns itself with this clarity.
The ways in which this natural realignment happens can be quite surprising and sometimes disturbing. I notice that presence is fine with all of it, even the chaos and suffering that seem to result from this realignment.
I’ve been looking very deeply at the whole field of relationship, and how our relationships evolve when we are not holding ourselves as separate. It seems possible at this time to envision a radically different way of being with each other. Sometimes I call this ‘an evolutionary’ kind of community. In this community, our relationships do not rest on or function within the ancient and habitual agreements and conditions that have been with us for thousands of years.
One of the things I’ve been wondering about is this: How do we have fun together? How do we celebrate this incredible gift of life? How do we celebrate?
The other night a group of friends asked me to come and play a game with them which is a form of dominoes. I have never been interested in such pastimes, so I decided to approach the evening with an open mind, and see what emerged.
In this game, there are solitary players, each one trying to accumulate as few points as possible. As we began to play, I decided to throw myself into the spirit of the game, which was based, as many games are, on trying to win, or trying not to lose. As the game progressed, one of the players became more and more successful, while some of us began to lose quite spectacularly. I let myself lean right into the whole experience of wanting to be the winner, and trying to prevent the one who was winning from her continuing success.
I noticed that it was difficult to play such a role without feeling a contraction in my body. I also noticed that the woman who was winning was also playing her role all-out. I really didn’t know how real all of it was to her. I did notice that when she was celebrating her victories, she did not look as beautiful to me as when her face was at rest.
When she raised her fist in the gesture of victory, something lean and pinched looking came into her face. I could feel the same feeling run through my body as I got more and more into the spirit of trying to win. It was a kind of adrenaline rush, that I used to enjoy quite a lot.
The man beside me, who was involved in a big streak of losing until the very end of the game, became more and more appealing. His graciousness in the face of defeat was very attractive, even though it was only a game.
I started to wish that it was a different kind of game. A game in which I could use my intelligence to help others to win, instead of trying to defeat them. I got absorbed in that possibility for a while, and lost even more badly.
At the end of the evening, I was feeling that winning is really highly over-rated. Does it actually bring us any kind of lasting joy or satisfaction? Not that I can see or feel.
I am in my early sixties now, engaged in making clear and ruthless choices about how I spend the precious moments of each day and night.
I know that we can play together in a way that allows our sense of separation to dissolve and fall away. That’s the kind of game I want to play, and it doesn’t seem to have much to do with gain or loss.
I can feel it is time for me to come right out of the closet about this, and let my friends and community know that so much of what counts for fun in our culture is no longer fun for me at all.
I’d rather just sing, or dance, or sit and look into your eyes. Or wander in the forest with you. Or have a very edgy conversation, in which we have no idea what we are going to say, or even who we are.
Or lie down on the grass with you and look up, drink in the vastness of the blue sky.
It’s a new life, always beckoning to us, on the other side of non-separation. Not really a life we can imagine, but one we can participate in, wholeheartedly.
with love
Shayla
