A great deal of the time, our traditional approaches to spirituality do not have much to offer us in the field of relationship. Have you noticed this? How easy it is to feel calm and expansive, on the cushion, or out on the lake? But when your partner leaves something on the stairs and you trip over it, or when your neighbours have the music turned up full blast when you want to rest-well, that’s a different story.
We often look to psychology, to therapy for help with this kind of ‘primal reactivity.’ And yet, the foundation of presence, the open space of awareness is essential, if we are going to work with this level of conditioning, with the suffering and the entanglement that happens in relationship.
As we learn to rest in presence, in simply being, without trying to change anything, a clarity emerges from this place of radical acceptance. We see things we have not seen before, we feel things we have not been able to feel. We begin to respond to ‘what is’ instead of what ‘should be’ or what ‘should not be.’ A new kind of intelligence reveals itself: the intelligence of the heart.
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And when we no longer give energy to our judgments, we begin to experience a natural compassion, a kindness that happens when we realize, “Oh, this person looks like somebody separate , but in them I feel the same conditioning-- it is the same mind, the same thinking that I struggle with.”
In this space of clarity and tenderness many things are possible. We can begin to discover the answers to some fundamental questions, not by thinking about them, but through the power of inquiry and being fully present.
-How can I learn to communicate with kindness, honesty and respect?
-How can I learn to be a good friend, or a good partner, or a good parent?
-How can I learn to give and receive genuine love?
-How can I drop my defenses and open up to my basic goodness and basic sanity?
-What do I need to understand in order to begin this process?
We are all in this river of evolution together. Nobody is a perfect communicator. In the area of intimacy, human beings are like toddlers just learning to walk and talk. I know this from my own personal experience and from many years of teaching and coaching. Most of us are shocked and dismayed by the pettiness, the sorrow and the conflict that we experience in our relationships. We look around at others, and they seem to be doing better than we are, better than our family is, or our workplace. But a coach is in a different position. She gets to see things from the inside, she gets to meet people ‘before they put on their makeup.’
How do we learn? We take a few steps, fall down and try again. If we knew how to really love, how to be intimate, our divorce rate would not be over 50%, we would not have lost connection with our children, and or workplaces would be full of creativity and collaboration. Let’s get real, and see what it takes to find a new way of being together.
The nature of our conditioned personality is something we have inherited from our genetic lineage. These conditions are not our fault. We can learn to be responsible for them and find different ways of speaking, of listening and perceiving.
On the level of our conditioned personality, we have 3 basic desires:
The desire for approval
The desire for security
The desire for control.
There is nothing wrong with these desires. Everybody has them. And they have nothing to do with true love and respect. This simple natural way of being, that we can call love, or kindness, calls us far beyond what we think we need for our survival.
If I love and respect you,
-I accept you as you are.
-I do not need you to change in order to make me happy.
-I give you the freedom to make your own choices and find your own way.
-I know that you have all the resources you need in order to deal with whatever life brings you. This includes learning how to ask for help.
-I can ask for what I want, knowing that you are completely free to say no.
-I know that love does not mean you will do what I want.
-I do not want you to give me what I want unless you are totally happy to do so.
-I have no desire to control you. I respect your freedom in every moment.
-I am interested in who you really are, not in who I want you to be.
I can’t discover this way of being through effort and willpower. It is found through deep relaxation into presence, and a willingness to investigate the way my conditioned mind creates suffering, fragmentation and isolation.
We don’t have to wait until we are in a special place to do this work. We can start anytime we are ready, as soon as we glimpse this doorway, this opening into love, that is always here, just waiting for us to walk through.
