I wanted to share something with you about and self-acceptance, and how much I have learned about this from Radiant Mind and Peter Fenner. Someone was speaking to him recently about how when they sit in meditation, they access an open, unconditioned place. But when they come back to ordinary life, they lose it. And feel bad, unworthy, frustrated, disappointed-pick the word that is appropriate for you.
Peter said, “Of course that happens. It happens to all of us. No matter how skillful we become at accessing that place of unconditioned awareness, we can lose it in a second. It’s nothing to feel bad about. It’s just the way things are, until you evolve to a whole different level of consciousness.” I realized in that moment that I had been feeling bad about that one thing for 30 years! That I had actually used my spiritual practice to torture myself about the fact that I couldn’t stay in the state I wanted to be in. Isn’t that amazing? And somewhat ridiculous?
My feeling is that self-acceptance and self-love are usually the focus for psychological work, and that this aspect of our no-practice is often left out of spiritual work. We might talk about it, but there is often a feeling of “Let’s get on to what really matters-realizing that I don’t exist, that I’m not separate. So why should I waste time on self-acceptance. This self is the one that has brought me all this suffering. I want to get beyond it.”
Now I’m understanding something profoundly simple: one of the foundations for this work, or any spiritual practice, is to build a field of complete tolerance and acceptance for the way we are in each moment. No matter what. Because we can’t change the way we are by fighting against it. This moment cannot be any different than the way it is. I cannot be different in this moment than the way I am; otherwise I would be.
I cannot believe how much I have resisted opening to this whole way of being, and how radically simple it is. I think sometimes that the most profound and life-changing insights are the most obvious. My daughter Coco keeps saying that these days:” All of these things were staring me in the face all along, but I wasn’t ready to see them.” It’s been staring me in the face for 30 years that I can’t hold on to my so called “higher” or “more expanded” states. But I didn’t want to face it, because I wanted what I wanted.
So the minute I try to live this moment according to any ideal, I create the same struggle in myself, the same gap. Over and over, until I finally get to the point where I’m willing to be with myself as I am.
with love
Shayla
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